As talks of a replacement for Cardinals manager, Mike Matheny, intensify, we search through the greatest cinematic coaches of all time to find the right person to take his place.
Cardinals fans, especially those with supreme confidence in their own baseball intellect, frequently lament over the decisions of our favorite local martyr, the distinguished Mike Matheny.
Not only does he look like the greesy antagonist from a 1990s comedy with David Spade, but his inexcusable decisions with the bullpen during crunch time requisite a managerial change.
After last nights’ 8-0 drubbing to the Cincinnati Reds, the Cardinals might have to seriously consider external options to avoid such embarrassments.
Cincinnati hasn’t won a playoff series since 1995, but the cities minor-league women’s football team, “The Sizzle,” won the USWFL National Championship in 2016. If St. Louis wants to catch up, we need to make a change, and make it fast.
It appears many of the best candidates have already employed (thanks Obama), so we must might have to get creative to find a proper replacement. I have identified three primary targets to replace the skipper.
Gordon Bombay (Mighty Ducks), Age 51
Young, dysfunctional band of misfits? Easy money. Gordon Bombay is the obvious choice. After leading the Mighty Ducks to both the Minnesota State Championship and the Junior Olympics in a two-year span, he has proven the ability to cultivate young talent, and make crucial in game adjustments to win when it matters most.
I also see a lot of similarities between Dexter Fowler and Adam Banks: Both players moved from a wicked, immoral, evil, rival teams to the loveable home-town battalion and let their play speak for themselves. After initial doubts about their alliances, they become revered and respected members of their communities as they lead the squad to success.
Some may note that Bombay has had some issues with the law, however Matheny himself has lost a multimillion dollar suit, so I think we can forgive and forget if October baseball is on the line.
2. Yoda, Age 874
The 2017 Cardinals are currently hitting .211 (ranked 25th in the league) and second to last in the NL central. That’s not so good. How many Jedis did Yoda trained that became imperative to the future of the galaxy?
All of them. You can’t beat those results. Yoda is effectively a space based (ten time world series champion) Yogi Berra both in stature and wisdom, so if the Cards want to put rings on their fingers, we need the short guy.
“The future ain’t what it used to be” one of them once said, and boy were they right. Eight days ago, we were bathing in baseball nirvana, celebrating a dramatic walk off win, but now, at 2-4 I can’t even bear to watch a Yadi bobblehead bobble.
We witnessed Steven Piscotty have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad trip around the bases, and Matt Adams isn’t even comfortably plump anymore. There is just too much pain.
The only sane thing to do is get the little green alien a uniform, give him a fungo bat, and let him teach the boys how to sit on a curve. “Patience you must have, my young Matt Carpenter. Wait for your pitch and drive it deep” –Yoda, 2017.
Tough night to be Stephen Piscotty pic.twitter.com/JQO7GkBiDm
— Pardon My Take (@PardonMyTake) April 5, 2017
3. Norman Dale, Age 88
Dale knows that sometimes you must strip a team down to its most basic capabilities before building them back up again. Here in St. Louis we pride ourselves in playing fundamental, polished baseball, and Dale’s experience with the Indiana High School Basketball would surely translate instantly to the diamond.
After speaking with him, we learned his he has contrarian plans to revolutionize defense in baseball with a “man to man” shift in which, instead of the typical “zone” in which fielders merely graze their respected areas, once an opponent gets on base they are immediately followed scrupulously by a Cardinal kicking at their heals, flicking the back of their head, and generally making rounding the diamond a pain. Take that sabermetrics.