An analysis of the current styles and guises sported by the St. Louis Cardinals.
From Russell Westbrook’s small-liberal-arts-school-English-major outfits to the clean-cut Scandinavian style of Henrik Lundqvist, a player’s semblance can speak volumes about their game, and hint at their core attitudes and impulses.
Here at Cardsblog we thought we’d do some critical analysis of the 2017 Birds to see if we could find some significant performance predictors by judging these books by their covers.
Brett Cecil is a lost puppy, begging for a home. His wispy locks sneak down the back of his neck and curl with the will of the wind. We believe he has let them go au-naturel but there is a risk that the reliever uses performance enhancing gels to get them just right.
Atop the bridge of his nose sits the frames of a hardened reliever, perhaps an homage to the famed game-ender, Eric Gagne. Cecil’s best known for a wicked knuckle curve that dives down on hitters, and the glasses trick hitters into thinking a kind, old librarian got lost and ended up on the mound before Cecil hums in an 84 mile an hour breaking ball.
Result: 1.64(Soft Flow)+.99(Glasses)=2.63 ERA in 2017.
ask me if i care broooouuu hahaha
preguntame si me importa!!!!! pic.twitter.com/VZX3z6Tkg5
— Yadier Molina (@Yadimolina04) January 9, 2016
Yadier Molina exhibits a rare form of casual perfection. For over a decade, the backstop has provided consistent production at the plate, and durability behind it. Does Yadi care? Ask him on twitter. Is Yadi up to date with the latest fashion trends? No, he creates them.
From Run DMC to Nelly, Lil Yachty, and everything in between, the chain has grown and evolved within American culture. Now that Yadi has made a definitive, neckpiece supporting statement, it is officially “in.” Yadi models here below an exquisite dinosaur painting, a scraggly beard chased across his chin atop a plain gray T, and hat tilted just so.
From our fashion regression model, the simple yet modish look tells us Yadi will hit.295 with 10 HR and 60 RBI next season.
Some have been tentative about Yadier’s capacity to perform moving forward. The veteran turns 35 this year and has played in over 135 games in eight of the past nine years. There are naturally questions about how much is left in the tank. Yadi, however, showed up to the World Baseball Classic with bleached hair and a smile a mile wide. Thus, he can’t possibly be nearing the end of his vitality, and with the new cut, our stats people say he might now drive in 100 with the extra power it provides.
— Carlos Martinez (@Tsunamy27) January 16, 2017
Carlos Martinez is going to have a big year. “Yuuge” some might say. He brought his A game to receive the STL Baseball Man of the Year with a dashing, patriotic ensemble of reds and blues, and Cards fans can expect the same rugged power and groove on the mound this season.
While the bowtie is obviously a little slanted, Martinez is young and has time on his side. It can take years to get these fundamentals down, and Tsunami is well on his way to becoming a trendsetter in sports fashion. The slight wrinkle in the shirt, however, could make him a high-risk injury candidate. Without proper closet etiquette and hangers, he will have to iron his shirts with greater frequency and thus risk both burns and elbow inflammation.
The knot is strong, almost too strong (#Clip-onGate?), but we see tons of potential in the 25-year-old. He has even indicated plans to grow out his hair to match the iconic Jheri curls of a young Manny Ramirez by opening day. We’ll keep you updated on his progress.
Based on these factors, and accounting for hat-hair’s effect on a pitcher, our statistical models tells us CM18 will match his 2016 all-star campaign with another 16-win season and 3.0 ERA.
The Cardinals exhibit a wide variety of styles and capabilities when it comes to their countenance, and the lively breadth of characters will make the evolving team one to keep a close eye on in 2017.